Being a mom, as I am sure you know, is like a constant roller coaster of emotions. Happy, sad, anxious, stressed, angry, pretend angry when you really want to laugh, and pure confusion.

Okay, so those last two aren’t real emotions, but they are feelings nonetheless. Today was a day that I just felt a whirlwind of emotions, and it culminated in me reminiscing about the last few years as a mom. I think back to a day last summer while I was still on my maternity leave. I had been up with the baby for a while at night, and had made plans for lunch with my sister and her three boys. We try to meet up every so often, even though we can never get an actual word in… We still joke that we should just text each other across the table. I was so tired. Exhaustion, I find, is a great way to make yourself susceptible to emotional whirlwinds, by the way. I went from being angry and upset about everything, to sad that the baby was growing up so fast. Then I was happy my sons loved each other so much, then sad that my older son was already 5. Then I was suddenly yelling for the 5 year-old to stop tapping the baby’s head. Come to think of it, this kind of sounds like every day. What was different was that I actually told the older one that I needed him to nap. He insisted that he wasn’t tired. Too bad; I was. After eating fast food for lunch (I know, how fancy eh), I was feeling borderline comatose. The kids napped. Both of them. At. The. Same. Time. (cue heavenly halleluiah music) I reveled in a feeling I had forgotten existed. It was quiet. I made myself coffee, put my feet up and like a sappy mother thought about my kids instead of doing something for myself. I thought of the last 5 years and how time had flown by. How cute little munchkins turn into rude back-talking brats, but for some reason you still love them so much that you waste “me time” thinking about them. I came up with a mental list of all the moments that I associate with certain emotions.

  1. Happiness: Thankfully this emotion shows its face quite often. The joy of finding out that you are having your first baby (if it’s planned, of course) is inexplicable. Knowing that your life will forever be different, and simultaneously being so excited about it, is a feeling you can only apprehend when you see those two pink lines on that pregnancy test. Joy shows up again when your kid has his firsts – first word, first tooth, first time crawling, walking etc. Although, honestly these moments were also ridden with guilt, if you missed them, (I missed my son’s first steps while I was at work) and sadness, albeit minimal, for how fast time is flying by.

  2. Sadness: As mentioned previously, this happens whenever you realize time is flying by. You also feel sad the first time your son refuses to cuddle with you. That’s actually heart breaking. The rudeness that starts shortly after their first word also dampens your spirit a little.

  3. Anxiety/Fear: He’s walking. Quick! Baby proof the house. We didn’t actually change our house that much. Baby gates and socket plugs of course. But nothing else crazy. He just wasn’t allowed to crawl on the main floor or basement at all. That’s it. Nothing crazy. I also have a strange fear that the kids may get an eyelash in their eye and I won’t be able to take it out; and that they might unlock the front door and leave the house in the middle of the night. Interestingly, I have more anxiety over the former.

  4. Pride: Again, this may not be a true emotion. But watching your kid start kindergarten is a moment that you feel so proud of. You would think that the boy is starting grad school for goodness’ sake.

  5. Anger: I feel this way too much. Patience is a virtue. It truly is. I have yet to master it. I feel like I should have a whole separate entry on anger, so I won’t really go into it here. I will say this: I never feel good after feeling angry or yelling at the three boys (yes poor husband included). I hate the feeling that comes after. And that brings me to #6.

  6. Guilt: Everyone feels it. It never goes away. You cannot always be there for your kids. You will let them down. You will let down a lot of people. You will say and do things that you regret. I have yet to figure out how to not let guilt consume me. My husband is there to constantly remind me that I have very high expectations of myself. And that actually brings me to #7 (I love how these just flowed into one another)

  7. Stress: Slightly different than anxiety. It’s like anxiety on steroids. Stress is almost a direct consequence of our expectations not being met. Mixed in there is disappointment and confusion. Our body and mind just doesn’t know what to do… So they start freaking out. I don’t like this mood either. In my case, venting is very important when it comes to handling stress. Enter poor husband again. Best. Listener. Ever. Reportedly, working out is supposed to reduce stress. I do find that it makes you more physically fit, and thereby helps you run away faster from the crap that life throws at you. Stress is part of life, not just motherhood. In this regard, I have decided that I just have to suck it up.

The takeaway message for me after this period of thinking was that as long as happy moments outweigh any other emotions, I am doing just fine. In fact, after a little while, the kids started waking up. And I was happy.