When I was pregnant with my second child, one of my co-workers took a sudden leave of absence. She went on disability leave claiming she was suffering from “pains,” and doctors could not explain these as anything other than a mental health problem. She was always a fairly anxious person, but still seemed like she was fine, so it was a surprise to all of us to hear about what she had been going through.
The reactions to her choice to leave were mixed. Some were angry that she had “abandoned” us with a heavier work load. Some were strangely jealous that they hadn’t thought of this plan first. Some seemed sad - but it was questionable how sad they were when they had a smirk on their face while telling the story. Most of us thought she was exaggerating her feelings, and it almost become a running joke “I’m so overworked - I should take a disability leave”… I know, humans are sick.
When I heard the news at our weekly meetings at work, I remember thinking that she must have been going through such a hard time to have made this decision. I even said out loud, “It’s not easy to take a leave like this, because the people you work with don’t easily forget the stigma associated with mental health.” Unfortunately, the pissed-off staff and their comments overwhelmed mine.
The thing was, I could relate to my co-worker. She was a little older than me, had 2 kids, and a supportive family network. She loved her kids and spoke about them at lunch, but other than that she mostly kept to herself. She kept her head down and worked hard. So what happened? What broke?
Turns out, it’s really easy to go from being fine to not. None of my coworkers were moms other than her. They didn’t have to balance life and work. They didn’t have the pressures of providing for a family and then still being a good mother to their kids. It’s not easy to go through a hard day at work, go home and smile at the kids and your husband while you make dinner and wish you could feel your legs again. It is TOUGH, no matter how strong you are.
After my maternity leave, I went back to work.
Day 1
That co-worker was back, and she seemed well again. Meanwhile, I struggled. There were little ads in the bathroom about how we should be more accepting of people with mental health problems… I stared at the cartoon that HR had placed next to our sinks. It was just my first day….it will get better.
Day 3
I started crying on the phone while driving to work and talking to my husband, saying that I miss the kids too much, and I hate my job. This wasn’t my first time bawling in the last few days, but was my first time blubbering to my husband.
Day 5
I was still trying to move on. I sat by myself at lunch because I liked the peace.
Day 7
I missed talking to mom and sister. No time anymore. My husband was too busy with work, but here’s that weekend I thought would save me. It didn’t.
Day 10
The weekend was busy and the baby was sick. My husband worked on the Saturday and I had spent the whole day by myself with 2 kids - one crying from a bad diaper rash, the other crying from not enough attention.
Day 11
Crashed at night. Was very tired.
Day 12
Crashed even earlier. Cried on the way home.
Day 13
In bed at 10….sleeping more. Not feeling better. Cried in the bathroom stall at work.
Day 14
Cried myself to sleep. I was so lonely. I didn’t want to do this anymore but nobody understood.
And so, it went on…
I felt so alone, and everybody close to me was too busy with their own lives and issues to notice. I was heading down the same path as my co-worker.
2 months later…
One night at 2am my then 5-year-old woke up crying from having a nightmare. Instead of comforting him, I told him I don’t have time for this because I have to go to work the next day. In an instant I realized what I said and I quickly hugged him - what had happened to me?? Who was I becoming?
That’s when I realized I need to be less anxious and more stable, for myself and for my kids. It was okay to cry and scream and be sad, but picking myself up after that was crucial. Thankfully I had a very supportive husband who helped, and still helps, pick me up each time. I say each time because it still happens; I get overwhelmed, or feel like I’m failing, and I fall apart. The key is putting yourself back together. My co-worker needed that time away to put herself back together. And she did.
Likewise, I have found activities that help ease my anxiety and refocus my brain. Calming activities like adult coloring books, listening to music and making puzzles make days seem more manageable.
Hopefully with these strategies in place and being aware that it’s easy to get lost in anxiety, I will be able to get through tomorrow… Then the day after… And the day after that.