Where there was once wine, now there is coffee
Where there were once fancy meals, there is now take-out
Where there was once date night, there is now kids' movie night
Where there were once gifts, now there are groceries
Where there were once kisses, now there are comforting hugs
Where there was once intimacy, now there is sleep
But where there was once newness, now there is familiarity
Where there was once loneliness, there is togetherness
Where there were once risks and chances, there are guarantees
Where there was once silence, there is chatter
Where there was once passion, there is forever love.
With Valentine’s Day behind us, I have spent the last week thinking about how romance can change so much after having children. And by change, I mean it becomes non-existent, at least in the traditional sense. Flowers, presents and fancy nights out are hard to come by. Like marriage, keeping romance alive takes a lot of work. But with a household to manage, kids, and a full-time career, who has time to “work” on something so trivial as romance?
My husband is my best friend; I tell him everything, even things he probably doesn’t even want to know, like details of menstrual cycles. We have a good marriage… We argue and get annoyed with each other like most couples do, but we have each other’s back ALWAYS. But “romance” has become a foreign concept to us and after years of marriage we have come to accept a new normal.
Here’s what happened and what our idea of romance has become:
- Candy, cards, flowers, and expensive dinners became impractical. Spending money on frivolous material things was becoming wasteful, and maternity leaves can really leave a dent in your finances. Instead, we opt for special home-cooked meals, love-filled emails or messages, and surprise desserts like my favourite cheesecake.
- Date nights meant that we would have to find a babysitter, or ask grandparents to take care of our children. Our parents already watch our kids all week while we work, so this became a not so ideal option. So, we sneak in “date nights” by watching a movie at home while the kids sleep or playing Scrabble together.
- There’s not as much time to look pretty for one another. So when we do get dressed up, we compliment the hell out of each other.
Now, don’t get me wrong, we still give each other gifts and cards whenever we feel like it. And we still have the occasional fancy date night out; we just make sure that it’s super special like a Coldplay concert. But not having time for conventional romance has made all these times so much more special, AND it has made us squeeze thoughtful gestures, like the ones above, into our every day lives. I don’t know about you, but I prefer the little lovely moments over a bunch of flowers I would probably kill anyways. In a way, us making the effort to include these gestures and make time for each other as a part of our everyday life strengthens our marriage, and isn’t that what the point of romance actually is?