Our lives have changed. What if one of us gets sick?? What if my kids get sick? What if my parents get the virus? What if I lose my job? Or my husband loses his job… or what if I get sick, make somebody else, who then dies? What if I die??
I kid you not, I think about most of those uncertainties and more in a day. This roaring pandemic has got all of us on edge. Anxieties and depression are probably sky high. And why wouldn’t they be? Everything in our fairly immediate future is unknown. Interestingly, this is usually the case, but now we are glaringly aware of it. What are we going to do?
Well for me, that means trying not to think about it all day and then bursting into tears at the end of it. It means smiling and playing with my children during the morning hours and lying awake during sleepless nights. I’m trying to cope. It’s hard. I keep distracting myself and finding ways to busy my day.
As a pharmacist, I am considered an essential worker. Do I have more anxiety because of it? Yes and no. I am more anxious because of the increased likelihood of being exposed to the virus BUT I am calmer because being “essential” ensures I have a job. I also get to see other humans which honestly helps keep me sane.
The biggest challenge I have during the past few weeks and I’m sure in the months to come is dealing with this “new normal” in front of my kids.
I am open with my kids and share most of the information about the virus with them. But they are children after all, and I don’t want them to be weighed down by the worries of adults.
When I was a kid, I lived in the Middle East and during our time they were, the Gulf War was going on. I was too small to fully fathom what a war was, but I have this very clear memory of it. I remember my mom taping our windows with plastic and duct tape because there was a risk of homes being gassed. I remember we couldn’t leave our house, and when the war was over there was chaos in the streets. Joyful chaos, but nonetheless frightening for a child.
I remember 9/11 like it was yesterday, and the fear that had overcome society and the way our lives had changed forever is unforgettable. I have clear memories of the news, and the images of those towers going down is engrained in my mind.
I don’t want my kids to have nightmares from this and I want to protect them. I try to keep their lives as close to normal, and inundate them with love and joy so that a few years from now they will have good memories of this difficult time, and remember that it brought their family closer. I’m not going to pretend like hiding my anxiety is easy. It puts a lot of pressure on me. But if I had a child that was anxious and frightened by what’s going on, my life would get much harder and my own anxiety would skyrocket.
So I will keep working at keeping my kids safe and making them feel that way too.
There’s no school or extracurricular activities and no trips to the park. They can’t visit their grandparents or cousins, and they can’t even go grocery shopping with their dad. Their lives have changed drastically and honestly they seem like they are doing ok given the circumstances.
But then I see “CORONAVIRUS” written among my son’s doodles and mentions of the virus in conversation thwarting their plans as if it was just a rainy day ruining their picnic. And I wonder, are they ok?
Or is this just them accepting the situation?
Along with the vivid memories of the Gulf War and 9/11, I also remember being closer to my family. I recall society and humanity pulling together to get through it all. And I hope my kids can take life lessons like that from all of this. And maybe we should give our children more credit… It looks like they are holding it together better than me.