When I returned to work after a year-long maternity leave, I couldn’t help but have mixed feelings. I mostly felt sad to leave my kids and the organized chaos that had become my life for the past year. I would see my kids a LOT less, and I would miss first steps and actual words. I wouldn’t be able to make parent-teacher meetings and school concerts. My heart broke to the point of obliteration knowing that I would no longer be able to share in many milestones. Even though a small part of me felt some relief and excitement, a much bigger part of me felt guilt, of course, for having those feelings too. I had (and still have) my reasons for wanting to return to work.
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At home, I feel dumb. I can’t think fast and multitask as well as when I am part of the workforce. My brain had become lazy. Now, by no means am I implying that stay-at-home moms are lazy, because my aching feet and tired eyes at the end of each day in that one year would indicate otherwise. I just like being on top of my game when it comes to knowing about drugs and stuff, and at home I felt I was out of the loop.
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Working can kind of be my break. I love my kids and husband, but sometimes it’s nice to have adult conversations that somehow don’t involve your kids, and how many bowel movements they managed that day. Also, as per my sister’s clapback to a random aunty who tried shaming her for working full time by saying that she had to work to support her family – in actuality, working is easier than staying at home.
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I am not the best stay-at-home mom. Without strict and forced schedules, I find it hard to stick to routines. I sleep and wake when I feel like (or when the kids let me – they are the boss of me, after all), and I don’t get as much done daily as more motivated stay-at-home moms would. I also feel like I need to have consistent outcomes from all my efforts, which, let’s face it, is pretty much impossible with kids; AND since I am not the “awesomest” at staying home, I am very hard on myself. Like if the kids aren’t in bed on time, I feel like I have failed. But as mentioned previously, I can’t follow routines well without being forced to, so this happens often. Ergo, it’s a vicious cycle. I am too chaotic to be good at it. I get frustrated by bad results. Then I feel like I have failed as a mother but try again because I am a determined person. It’s utter madness.
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I want my sons to have a positive female role model. For some reason, my older son had fostered somewhat sexist tendencies and said things like “girls don’t play basketball” or “boys don’t wear pink”. I haven’t the slightest idea where he learned these things from. I want to work so that he can see that mothers can also be successful career women. Growing up, my mother was a stay-at-home mom. It was great! She was always there, and we loved it. Now, my unmarried brother says that when he gets married, his wife will not work. He even joked that I shouldn’t return to my career. I don’t want my kids to think that way. A woman should choose what she wants, and I don’t want to raise jerks that think they can tell women what they should do. My husband is a great role model when it comes to this… He’s so supportive of my career.
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It may sound superficial, but I want my kids to have things. Nice things. I also want to have things. Nice things. I like that I don’t have to think twice when it comes to spending money on certain expenses. Over the summer, we took our kids to African Lion Safari twice. It is not a cheap place to visit, but I liked not having to say no to my kids because money was an issue. Don’t worry, I’m not raising spoilt brats. That’s their grandparents doing…. I’ll come back to that in another post.
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Children are a bunch of ingrates. All the sacrifice in the world will never be appreciated by my kids. Not necessarily because they are selfish, but because they are kids. I know this because I am an ingrate alumnus. I, along with my siblings, have never appreciated what our parents have sacrificed; quite frankly, because we think WE didn’t ask them to sacrifice anything for us. Likewise, my children have not asked me to stay home (well not seriously and the sad baby eyes are a figment of my imagination). I feel like children appreciate their parents more when they can’t take them for granted. I know my parents are often hurt by how outwardly grateful we aren’t. Sacrificing my career is kind of a big deal and I don’t want to be bitter for most of my adult life because of what I gave up. Maybe my kids will be different than the norm; but since I don’t have a time machine to help me make my choices, I will err on the side of caution and continue being a working mom.
Sadly, I have found that being a stay-at-home mom is a thankless job and I don’t want to be 60 and wish I had done something substantial in my life…. because apparently raising kids is not enough of an accomplishment. Perhaps it’s just easier to make lists like this and convince myself that being a full-time working mom is the best thing for me right now.
The concept of stay-at-home vs working mom is still a relatively new one. The argument about which role is more challenging and self-serving is exhausting, and to be honest, moot, since it’s nobody’s business except for that mother’s alone. For the time being, I have chosen to be a full-time working mother. Though I have my days that I wish I could spend more time with my children, or moments where I feel like my kids may need me to stay at home with them. Ultimately, my decision is to have a full-time career AND to be a full-time mother. Until I find it too difficult to play both roles somewhat evenly, this shall remain my status quo.