Lately, my heart has been pounding. Not quite its usual “lub dub lub dub”. During my second pregnancy, my family physician determined that I had an irregular heartbeat - basically, my heart would do the occasional extra “lub”. It was fine, though; basically benign and nothing to worry about, unless I had other symptoms like dizziness or light-headedness. Thankfully, I didn’t. I had the baby, and noticed no extra beats for a long time.
However, for the past few weeks that extra “lub” has become ever-more present in my life. I am dizzy. I am often lightheaded. I am scared to go to the doctor and find out what the issue may be. I sat there one day, after feeling anxious due to my pounding heart, and told my husband that in the event I was to die, he should get remarried. He got upset, of course, and immediately shut down the conversation with “Well, don’t die then!” Then I thought of all the scary or difficult things that could happen in our lives. One of us could lose our jobs. We could get divorced or have affairs. We could have deaths in the family. One of us could get sick. One of us could die.
When tragedy or hardships hit, it’s nice to have familial support if you can. But what if you don’t. What if you are alone dealing with kids or don’t want to burden people. You need a voice of reason. Someone who knows you well enough to understand what you need to hear but isn’t broken by what has happened. You need a composed version of yourself to tell you what to do next. Sadly, your voice of reason basically has to be you seeing, as you may not have many support persons. I’ll admit I have often taken to the mirror to resolve issues and argued with myself. Before you call an asylum, I have a secret for you…. A lot of people do this, and it works. But this strategy only works for minor things like psyching yourself out before a job interview or after a terrible one. We need a way to cope with the harder things. So, I came up with an idea. We should write letters to ourselves in the future. These would essentially act as guides telling us what to do, how to get through it and persevere on. Advice to ourselves from our more “composed stronger selves.” On the envelope, write what situation this will help you with i.e. “Losing a loved one.” Collect and place them all in a box labeled “for the hard times,” and put it far out of sight but not that far out of your memory.
For example, the letter about losing a job could be written something like this:
Hello future you,
This is a difficult time. It sucks to have lost your job. I know you must be worried about your family and the finances. Look to people like your husband for support. He loves you no matter what and so do the kids. They know you work hard. Your time at this workplace had run its course and you didn’t really want to be there anymore anyways. Your heart wasn’t in it. Take some time to recuperate, then dust yourself off and get back at it. Take this time to think about what you want to do and what your goals are. Pray. You are a highly employable individual and any place would be lucky to have you.
Sincerely
Yourself
And always end each letter with….
P.S. you will be fine.
I have yet to write letters for every situation. But I have written one in case of the untimely death of myself or my spouse. I wrote my husband’s since I know he will never come around to doing this. Here it goes:
Hello,
You must be reading this only if your husband/wife has passed away. I know the love between you two was immense and how will you go on? Who will watch movies with you? Who will help around the house or make a cup of coffee for you when you really need it? How will you handle your children by yourself? What if you die and your children have no one?
So MANY questions. I know. So much fear and uncertainty. I know the grief is unbearable. Your spouse would never have wished this much pain on you and the children. This will likely be one of the toughest times in your life. BUT you need to be strong. You need to wake up every morning, shower and eat. You need to remember how to smile when the pain isn’t as bad. Hold on to and cherish the memories. It’s ok to feel sad and cry. But things will get better, I promise.
Sincerely
Yourself
P.S. You will be fine.
We FINALLY got around to making our will. It’s a responsibility that we have been putting off for too long. We were able to find an online estate planning company that we found very simple to work through. A letter is a great way to provide you comfort and you give you strength BUT a will is going to help with all the non-emotional aspects of losing a loved one.
And then you will know better that…
P.S. You will be fine.