Dads Are Parents Too!

Growing up, I remember my parents really living up to the gender stereotypes and fitting into “traditional” roles in their marriage. My mother was mostly a stay-at-home mom, and my dad worked. My mom would cook and clean, and make sure homework was done, while my dad would work and then come home, eat dinner and watch TV. That was normal for our family and many other families in those days. My dad has openly admitted to never changing a single one of his kids’ diaper, putting us down for naps or feeding us, either bottle or solids. In spite of this, I have fond memories of my childhood with BOTH my parents being involved. That was just how things were done 30 years ago, and my parents were just following what was expected of them. More so, culturally, South Asian families, like ours, really believed that the woman’s job was childcare and cooking while it was the man’s job to work and bring in the money.

This concept has been going on for centuries and sadly has tainted the reputation of a lot of fathers nowadays that do stray from the typical stereotypes. My husband cooks and cleans as well, and plays a VERY active role in raising our children. We both work and both raise the kids. We are a team. In fact, all my friends and peers have a similar setup with their spouses too!

In spite of all this, you still hear comments from relatives and family friends that just make your head want to explode. Upon hearing that I work full-time, I often hear people say, “It must be so hard for you to work and take care of your children”. Well, yeah it is, but it’s also hard for my husband to do it. Or my favourite situation: I will be out by myself for a bridal shower or baby shower and there is bound to be an Aunty that will praise my husband for “babysitting” his own kids. Seriously??

** NEWSFLASH ** DADS CAN PARENT TOO.

They aren’t just there to occasionally play catch, and give teenage boys advice on how to not get a girl pregnant. They are there to teach all of their kids (boys AND girls) manners and social graces. They are there to teach them about religion and values. They are there to hug them when they are sad, and put band-aids on their “booboos” (albeit, I do the second one WAY better). They are there to cook them impromptu lunches and change the dirtiest diapers. They are there to bathe them and put them down for naps, all while singing and making funny faces. They are there at their birth to cut the cord and change that first poo diaper (yep, I have never even seen the first poo). The modern dad is definitely a stand-up guy and I can attest to having met MANY of them. There are many problems with not realizing that fathers are an imperative part of parenting.

1. Aside from the obvious fact that credit is not being given where it’s due, the perception that dads are a second-class parent implies that they should be praised when they do the same task that their counterpart, the mom, would normally be doing. This is unfair to dads as they are often pretty awesome; but it’s also unfair to mothers as the expectation that they should be fulfilling all the childcare responsibilities undermines their accomplishments as a parent as “no big deal.” Being a mother is considered “biological” and “innate,” and maybe it is. I have no idea. However, I argue that being a father is also pretty “biological” and “innate,” so housework and raising the kids should be a shared responsibility.

2. If parenting is deemed as primarily the mother’s job, then the onus on how the children turn out as adults is completely on the mom. That’s great if you raise saints, geniuses and angels BUT realistically that’s quite unlikely. This mentality makes some fathers think they have a free pass and shift the blame for having “bad kids” on the mom. I actually have seen this firsthand with my own parents. My mom has always personally believed that her children’s failures are HER own and she felt like she was solely responsible for our upbringing. Modern day, the term #momfail exists almost as an extension of this stereotypical mentality. I personally have yet to see #dadfail being used, though I am sure it exists.

3. There are fathers out there who still continue to live as per the same traditional stereotypes that my parents did. First of all, WAKE UP, it’s 2020. These fathers would jump at the chance to defend their limited role in parenting and would definitely be the kind of person to eat up all the praise that the afore-mentioned Aunty would give them. Holding firm to the notion that “dads don’t need to be as involved in parenting as mothers” perpetuates the issue.

This all being said, it is understandable that each couple out there is different and whatever dynamic works for them when it comes to parenting is their choice. No judgement. However, I am thankful that my husband is an AMAZING father in spite of the fact that his own father had no idea how to change diapers and was stressed that he had to watch him for a few days when he was 3 years old.

Times have changed, however, and even my own father has evolved. He feeds his grandchildren, and sings lullabies to them as he puts them down for naps; the other day, he even changed his first dirty poo diaper! He was pretty proud of himself. And you know what, I was pretty proud of him too.