Having a baby can be one of the most unforgettable experiences in a woman’s life. Going through labour, and then actually birthing a baby, is such an amazing thing that even though I have gone through it three times myself, I still can’t believe that a woman’s body can be capable of so much. Pain, fear, stress, and the literal physical trauma that happens to us when we push out an often watermelon-sized baby is remarkable. My labours with all my children were different, but also had many similarities, and I thought I would share some insight into my experiences.

Here are some rules or “laws” that I came up with after baby #1 to help me get through baby #2 and #3.

Law #1 – Make a Plan

I was given lots of advice on how to prepare for going through labour. Make a plan/don’t plan were two conflicting pieces of advice that stood out. The latter group argued that planning was nonsensical, because the entire experience will not go as you plan it. This is 100% true. However, I would argue that you can plan, but you should know full well that it may not go that way… and that’s ok. You see, when you are nearing the end of pregnancy, sometimes the idea of labour itself can be so daunting that it can create so much anxiety and fear and hinder your ability to think at all clearly. So, my advice is to plan it out. If you don’t want to prepare for that day, then at least, for your peace of mind, think about the days before. Discuss with your partner and hash out a basic plan. Include points like:

  • Work through different situations where you might go into labour and figure out a quick plan to get to the hospital – We had even discussed which co-worker could drive me to the hospital if I went into labour at work.
  • Decide what needs to be taken to the hospital – I forgot to include my hairbrush the first time.
  • Who will take care of your other children – With my daughter, my parents had to watch my sons for days; I had packed a bag for them a few days in advance.
  • Who you want present at the labour – I had my mom there too for additional support for me AND my husband
  • Pain management options – epidural, morphine, no pain meds. I went for the epidural the first time, but the second time I couldn’t… More on that another day.
  • Make sure your doctor’s office has sent over all the relevant paperwork to the hospital. With my second child, that didn’t happen. And when I was rushed into give birth, the nurse was asking me if I was immune to Hepatitis B. They didn’t even know I had gestational diabetes.

Make a “plan” based on what you find important for yourself and cater it to your needs. It’s also good to be open to input from your partner, as they may come up with ideas that you might not have thought of.

Law #2 – Be clear about what you want

It’s important to discuss your wants and expectations with those that will be involved in the labour process. Make sure you talk openly with your partner about everything. My husband and I talked about pain management, the chance that I could need a c-section, and we even discussed what to do if things really went south. Yes, I know, how morbid. But you do want to have that conversation, because when you’re going through labour you may not have the chance to think or reason, and your partner may be the only one who can voice your concerns and advocate for you.

Law #3 – Do not be ashamed or concerned about dignity

I am generally a very private person when it comes to my body, and I always joke that having children really removes any “shyness” that you may have. Aside from doctors and nurses whom you have never even met before staring at your vagina and poking and prodding at you, did you know that so many women poop while giving birth? It’s an alarmingly high statistic that nobody talks about – one of the many unpleasant parts of giving birth. Mind you, nurses are amazing, and they are so calm and so supportive. You might need a catheter if you get an epidural or a suppository if you are nauseous. The noises alone that come out of your mouth while going through long and painful labours are something that nobody discusses after the experience. And why should they. It’s one of the moments in our lives, as women that we are most vulnerable and thinking of any of these things as shameful can make us feel weak when in fact, we are so strong. So yeah, understand that maintaining dignity during this process is not possible. But also understand this, it does not make you weak; and anybody that matters in your life will never laugh at you or think less of you.

Law #4 – When all the above doesn’t go as planned, then remember you didn’t fail

I cannot stress enough that things will not go as you plan. You can have a fool proof plan complete with a colour coordinated vision board that you email to all the people involved in the birthing process and STILL nothing could go as plan. IF you need pain meds and you didn’t want it – you DID NOT FAIL. IF you need an emergency C- Section – YOU DID NOT FAIL. IF you barely made it to the hospital – YOU DID NOT FAIL. IF you threw up in the waiting area or had your water break in the car - YOU DID NOT FAIL. IF you had a very long labour – YOU DID NOT FAIL. IF your baby had to end up in the NICU – YOU DID NOT FAIL. Just remember the end goal is not to be “good” at giving birth. That’s not a thing. YOUR END GOAL is to have that baby and do what’s best for yourself.

All three of my labours were very different experiences but that doesn’t mean I didn’t learn from each of them. After my water broke with my first, I knew that labour intensifies in pain a lot once that happens. So, when my water broke in the car with my second child, I knew the pain was going to get a lot worse.

My last two cents on this – be strong and know you can do this. And remember, it doesn’t matter how many times you say, “I can’t do this”, because as my husband so eloquently put it, “YOU HAVE NO CHOICE”.