The last few weeks I have been feeling off. I have been more tired than usual, and I have felt extremely sad without an actual reason. I have been so uncontrollably angry, and incredibly anxious. And the guilt, oh the guilt, it has been the cherry on top of it all.
I had honestly noticed a little bit of anhedonia since the pandemic started, but that’s normal right? Haven’t we all been struggling, and aren’t we all just exhausted??
But recently there have been times that I didn’t even recognize myself, and didn’t think this hollow, sinking feeling would ever go away.
I picked up my phone many times to post about this. I wanted to vent; I didn’t want to feel like I was the only one. But then I thought, “Who wants to hear me whine and complain? People aren’t here for this, and I really don’t think they would understand.”
So I hid my feelings. I hid behind memes and crafts and funny jokes. I mean, isn’t that what people want to see??
But now you know the truth: behind most social media accounts is someone who is likely going through something, anything really… and the memes and stories that we read, as entertaining as they may be, don’t even scratch the surface of who we are.
I am better. A little bit; let’s just say I’m better enough. Enough to get through the day without crying and struggling. I’m trying to stay calm, meditating when I can and just taking a breath. I need a break and I’m still waiting for that. But letting out how I feel is a huge step. Other than my husband, nobody knows this about me. I’m a pretty good actress.
Shakespeare said it best:
“All the world’s a stage, and men and women are merely players…”
He meant something like we are at the mercy of life’s ups and downs. But maybe he also meant that life is a “play” and we are just “actors” pretending that we have our shit together.
I’m tired of acting.
I’m tired of pretending like I’m okay, and downplaying my anxiety. It’s almost like hiding my feelings is just adding to my sadness and anxiety. And I have even started questioning if I was ever truly okay. I have tried to dig deep to see what could be causing a rise in these particular emotions. I have a strong feeling it has to do with the “end of the pandemic.” I haven’t felt very accomplished in the last few months because of the pandemic and as many countries look forward to the end of COVID-19, part of me feel likes time ran out. I didn’t get to do as much as I would have liked or rest as much as I would have liked or grown as much as I would have liked. I don’t tend to do well with change. And in case you missed it, there has been so much change in the last little while; for us change-haters it has not been easy.
So going back to my Shakespearean quote, we really are at the mercy of ups and downs of life.
As I figure out how to ride this roller coaster without passing out, but possibly throwing up, I have taken some time away from social media. I have taken some time away from this blog.
I know the answer is not in some play from hundreds of years ago. But I also know it’s not in social media.
And sometimes the answer is just so much clearer without the distractions of social media.
I have never wanted to be an actor… Well, unless it’s a Broadway musical… So I’m just going to sing and dance my way out of this funk.
Until then, I leave you with another Shakespeare quote…
“We know what we are, but know not what we may be…” (Hamlet)
See you on the flip side.